by Anthony Joseph
Attachment, along with ignorance and anger, is classified as one of the three mental poisons. They are called poisons because they distort our perception, make our minds unpeaceful, and perpetuate the cycle in which we lack true control over our futures — repeatedly joining us with suffering and continuing to create its causes.
The Buddhist path progressively reduces the influence of these poisons, or delusions, until we are completely free of them.
How then, as Buddhists, do we have healthy relationships if we are trying to reduce attachment? Do we become cold and disconnected?
To answer these questions, we need to explore what attachment actually is — and also explore the Buddhist approach to relationships, an approach which is grounded in love.
The mind of attachment
Attachment is a factor of mind described as being very sticky:
“Desirous attachment is like mental glue and clings to the object of desire. Other delusions stain the mind as dirt stains a white cloth, whereas attachment is like an oil stain soaked into the cloth. It is relatively easy to remove ordinary dirt through washing, but because oil absorbs so thoroughly into cloth, it is very difficult to clean away.” 1
We are attracted to something, and attachment makes us mentally cling to it. This could be a person, a position, a perception — in fact, just about anything. Attachment also encompasses clinging, possessiveness, and grasping.
In our lives we are always in contact with desirable things, so it is impractical to think we can be entirely free of attachment unless we are a very advanced practitioner.
“It (attachment) is generated toward any of the objects of the six senses. Desirous attachment is therefore experienced continuously, because you are always in contact with an object of desirous attachment.” 2
Attachment then, is something of a fact of life. So, where do we go from here? A practical aim for a practitioner is to reduce attachment — and especially its grosser, more disturbing forms — such as miserliness based on clinging, dissatisfaction based on grasping, and possessiveness.
Antidotes to attachment
Practising Buddhism is an antidote: developing virtues such as generosity, patience and contentment are a start. And when we improve our concentration or develop the wisdom understanding impermanence and emptiness, we further reduce the influence of attachment.
Coming back to relationships — how does this work when attachment is almost always present to some degree? The possessive nature of attachment gives us a clue. Possessiveness at its extremes is a very destructive force, but even where attachment is subtle, it expresses itself in recognisable ways.
It is an entirely self-centred mind, concerned with what a person does for me, how they make me feel, or how they reinforce my ego. It has an aspect of wanting to control the person and the situation so that we get what we want from the relationship.
Cultivating a mind of love
By stark contrast, Buddhism teaches that love is a mind that wishes for another to be happy — whist great love wishes that all beings have happiness. It is a positive mind that makes us calmer, more open, and enhances our spiritual growth. In a relationship, the emotion of love is the wish for the other person to be happy, without expectation of what that means for me.
The Buddhist concept of great love does not mean that we sacrifice ourselves in relationships — we still need to navigate them so that both our own needs and the other person’s needs are met. This approach to love suffuses our approach with warmth, concern, and patience, and helps us see the other person more clearly and wisely — because we are motivated by their happiness rather than our own.
So how are we to proceed in relationships? We need to acknowledge the reality of where we are now, which includes the influence of attachment over us. Being realistic about this, we can then approach relationships as another aspect of practice.
Relationships as Dharma practice
This means being mindful of the present moment — both the external interactions and the internal states that arise. As in meditation, we need to cultivate an awareness that notices what is occurring. When attachment manifests, especially in destructive forms such as self-centredness, we should bring to mind its antidotes.
We should also practise love by placing our attention on what the other person needs and wish for their happiness with no expectation of a return. We should always strive to be kind.
We can express love through the practice of the perfections — being generous, being patient, and being ethically restrained (for example, refraining from harsh speech). At times when we lose this practice, we use the four opponent powers* to help us do better in the future.
In this way, our relationships become an integral part of our practice. Whilst attachment is often present to some degree, we work to reduce its strength and influence and shift how we relate — towards being more driven by love, concern for others, kindness, and non-harmfulness.
*For more information about purifying negative actions through the four opponent powers, see Geshe Loden’s Path to Enlightenment in Tibetan Buddhism p374-376.
- Geshe Acharya Thubten Loden Path to Enlightenment in Tibetan Buddhism, p418.
- As above
Enjoyed this article? See also: Does compassion lead to burnout? by Anthony Joseph.